Broken Hearted and the Refinement Process of an Abiding Branch

I know it is used often the picture of refinement and that of the vine, but as I type this post, I cannot think of a better way to explain the events of the last several weeks other than that. You all know them all to well. The picture of the Refiner's Fire. The Creator taking that which is a muddled and un-pure treasure of gold and continuing to melt it down to get the nasty ole' dross out of it. Then there is the picture of the Vine and the branches. The branch, to abide and not wither and die, must continually be pruned for good health and fruitfulness. I guess I could add another: a clay jar...the earthen vessel. Every once in a while as it sits on the Maker's table it must be smashed down and made whole again into something even more beautiful. Those are the processes we have encountered the last few weeks. We asked for it....and we got it by God's loving grace. You may be thinking "You asked for it??? and it came with love???"!!!!Yep...we did and it did. When we started this journey we told God...."WE ARE SICK AND TIRED of BEING COMFORTABLE. REFINE US. PURIFY US. PRUNE US.MOLD US."

Two months into our process of collecting paperwork and such we were contacted by our agency with a waiting referral. The investigation on the referral could not begin until our dossier was in country, however the referral was waiting. We were given the name and very few details...no pictures. I began to love this child. We talked about her as a family, prayed for her, and even began to prepare to change up Adah's room to have a little sister join her. Last Tuesday we received pictures of her. Oh my we were melted instantly. Those 4 months of expectant feelings were overwhelming with the addition of pictures. Sleep eluded me that night as I laid there thinking of this and that...kissing her cheeks, buying her pretty clothes, seeing her smile for the first time, hearing her giggle.... just holding her and hugging her. July 4th was the very next day and we traveled to spend the afternoon with good friends. The day was wonderful and my heart was so full and then I happened to see an email on my phone from the agency. This was weird. It was the 4th of July. Americans should be home with their families. I opened and began reading, trying to hold myself together. After reading, I grabbed Jason and the kids and insisted we head home before I broke down in the group of people. All I could say to myself was... "This cannot be true...it has to be a huge misunderstanding....this cannot be happening." Another 24 hours of waiting confirmed our fears that our referral was lost and was never indeed intended for us. I had this feeling of devastation. I cried and cried and cried for 3 days until I could no longer cry. I imagined those three days what it was like for a woman to miscarry as that is what I felt was happening. Expectations for 4 months and counting and then WHAM....ripped away. It has been a week since that email and news began to unravel about Yoanna, coupled with two deaths in my family and an American GMC that is currently with major problems and not running in an Italian country where American mechanics are not waiting on every corner. However, I praise God for the journey of hardships already. Much encouragement has come from many people all over the world and regardless of "me, myself, and I"...that precious child has enlightened and given hope to the woman who has been intended all along to be the mother. I have sat in silence many times over the last several days thinking about what she must be thinking and feeling as she shares her story and the pictures of the big brown eyes that were mistakenly given to us. I am happy for her! No jealousy has existed. I have thought and prayed many times over the last several days that this mother and her children would relish in every moment of anticipation to bring Yoanna into their home and I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to pray and love this child along the way.

I cannot say exactly  "WHY" God allowed this...but I can say "HE has a PURPOSE in it" and that purpose was to refine, prune, and mold me (us). Just like other events, I know God will be faithful to help me look back and see His intended plan when this is all said and done and it will be just another chapter in His story book for me. Today I am thankful and give Him the praise and glory for answering our prayer to make us uncomfortable...to cause us to cling to Him...to need Him more. I am thankful that my God is a God of loving grace!!!!