Being REAL...and pass the donuts!

Before I start...I think I could totally devour 2 boxes of donuts before, during, and after writing this post......hence why I thought the picture fitting.

So I feel it is time to be real. Many of you say over and over how amazing I am or our family is. 

I am humbled by those words. I do not deserve them but Christ does...

 I can only respond by saying that is Christ you are seeing because today I certainly was reminded of how desperately I need Him each and every moment. 

You see, I am very much like you. My family is very much like yours. We have our own ups and downs.

Many of you only see the Spirit side of me...and even our family. The good side. The loving side. The side that is patient, trusting, long-suffering, caring, and servant-minded.

However.....I (as we all can) can be hurt, upset, angry, bitter, frustrated, and down right nasty to others. That is called my flesh. It wars against the Spirit. 

The past few days, with a pinnacle reached this morning, has been just that....a fleshly war against the Spirit. Two weeks of emotions, ups and downs, the good, the bad, the ugly, the blessings, the frustrations all came out this morning. I have been holding it all in.

After feeding the kids breakfast this morning and watching Duncan, Faith, and Mark once again not eat their breakfast for the third day in a row, I was frustrated. I cannot be expected to wake up and cook bacon, eggs, and pancakes every morning. THAT is not how our family operates in Italy, the States, or Uganda. We eat simple breakfasts and go "all" out like that only on occasion. So every couple of days I have been fixing a more complicated breakfast and the others we have been eating cereal and fruit. The past two days I even added in some toast. Cereal that they liked a week ago they will now not eat. So this morning I made them oatmeal (a.k.a. porridge to them). They picked it out at the store. This is something that they are use to eating at the Children's home. So I made it. The kind I bought already contains sugar. Yet, I still added MORE sugar (because they seem to eat a lot of sugar here). More sugar than I would normally ever think about putting on kids food... They would not eat it... 

Very very FRUSTRATING.....

So there was my first morning frustration. I was hurt, frustrated, confused, and shamed because I knew that they would tell others in their own language that I failed to feed them, when really they just refused to eat what was made for them.

All I could think about was that I hate having to defend myself and my actions and knew I would have too....

OK Amanda....CALM down. It is all new...there will be lunch...move on...and so I tried...really I did. 

Then I decided I would start lunch. May as well have it cooking while we are just up the path to church. I got the fryer chicken out. I cut up potatoes and carrots. Then I seasoned everything with olive oil, rosemary, and lemon pepper.  I was excited for lunch. Lemon pepper seasoning cost me $5 but hey....it is a different taste and I felt the luxury was worth it. As I was preparing it I could not wait for lunch!!! It was time to light the oven and place it in there so I could finish getting ready for church.

I went to light it, and it BLEW up in my face. I mean it blew up so much that all the men from next door came running....I freaked out. The hair on my right arm is all singed off and I got so upset that I ran to my room and collapsed on the bed to cry it out. And cried I did. I sobbed and wept. I cried for 2+ weeks worth of emotions. I cried so hard I had an asthma attack, something I have not had in a long long time. Jason had to dig out Adah's inhaler just for me to use it. Once I pulled myself together I cried some more. I cried because I felt (and still do) helpless, scrutinized, judged, at a loss because of the language barrier, and inadequate.....and yet as I write this I am reminded that this is EXACTLY where Christ wants me to be. He wants me at the end of myself so that I am utterly dependent upon Him.

 I was reminded this morning by my husband's message at church that God is faithful. Christ is my refuge...and my Hope. My eyes must stay on Him, and not others. My ears must stay on HIS words and not the words of others. My heart must rest in His promises, and not that of others. My confidence must rest in Him and not in others. And more importantly....I must RELY on HIM for all and not on my own strength. My own strength is as filthy rags and will fail me miserably....

This process is hard. It is not all a party. Don't get me wrong, it has had many MORE wonderful cherished moments than rotten ones. I love my new family, these precious souls that have been gifted to us.

However, today is one of those moments that God says "abide in Me", With that He starts pruning away branches that are dying and unneeded.  He has reminded me that this was HIS calling, and His equipping. That regardless of what others say and how they may judge,  He will equip and guide us to be good parents to all of our children. And when we fail...His grace is sufficient to fill the gap. God would not have called us without equipping us to handle all that this journey entails...

My weary soul must rest in that promise today....

and my heart must cling to His hope a.l.w.a.y.s....

PS...thank goodness lunch was good!